Famed for their keyboard-breaking difficulty and Everest-steep learning curves, roguelikes have enjoyed a solid core audience of fans since the eponymous Rogue. The hallmarks include randomized levels, near infinite character customization, and a permanent death system which makes endless mounds of the less fortunate rolls. More recent titles like Dwarf Fortress have carried the torch of brutality and more accessible titles such as this year’s Dungeons of Dredmor have made the genre even more accessible, introducing a whole swath of players to a satisfyingly frustrating experience.

Me, I wasn’t so lucky.

Fatal Labyrinth is a roguelike game for the Sega Genesis. No classes, but randomized levels and a shit-ton of enemies waiting to ruin your day. The following chronicles my experience.

Fatal Labyrinth: Somebody Planted a Castle Seed So Now You Gotta Suffer (but say bye to everyone before you leave okay)

The fine townspeople seem awfully nonchalant about the prospects of living in a world of darkness. Maybe it’s the constant dragon attacks and thieving ghouls that’ve left them so jaded. Young maiden #2 seems concerned about keeping her clothes springtime fresh and Schoolboy #1 seems to…not want to go to school? Makes me wonder what the fuck is so urgent that they open their mouths the moment I bump into them. I wonder where the magic sword and potions are, but I suppose getting robbed by ghouls leaves you pretty impoverished. You’d think they’d be a little more vigilant. Guess that’s what separates the heroes from the regular folk.

The old man at the edge of town informs me it’s too dangerous to just up and leave. He’s apparently impressed at my moxie the second time around and lets me pass. I don’t say goodbye to the local rubes, though. I have a town to save.

Life 01: Beastes Moste Foule or Don’t Send a Valet to do a Man’s job

It’s not a good sign that there’s a bow and arrow and helmet littering the floor the moment I step into the dungeon. I promptly ignore them and go right to engage in battle with a worm that looks suspiciously like a pillbug. Something foul’s afoot.

Fifteen HP poorer I go back for the helmet and arrow and continue my eastward journey. Two more liarworms and a whitebat chase me back down the hallway where I pause, frantically trying to equip and use my newfound bow before it’s too late.

I shoot an arrow in the opposite direction. Whitebat, no slave to the logic of man, parries it anyway along with the next two, more correctly aimed arrows. Whitebat has some skills.

My knife, however, is considerably skillier and I, with the deadliest of pokes, leave him a crumpled pile on the floor. I slay one more deceptive little worm before his friend finishes me off.

A fatal labyrinth, indeed.

Life 02: Thrillered to an Early Grave

I’m dropped into a Monster Mash and notice my trusty bow and leather cap have gone missing. The gods have deemed me unworthy. I show them by stabbing a slime and two more whitebats. They reward me by raising my level. I can feel the glow of power.

They say pride goeth before the fall. The Magician is no slouch on making sure those proverbs retain their meaning. I am put to sleep and he laughs away my attempts to poke him to death.

I kill him anyway. A liarworm finishes me off.

I’m starting to feel like maybe the townsfolk know something I don’t.

Life 03: Now We’re Cooking with Gas

Restarting the game plops me right back in town again. The old man talks to me like I don’t know the danger.

I know the fucking danger.

I walk into a castle and realize there’s no entrance. No escape. I pick up the axe and red scroll left by the last poor soul and get to choppin’ up the slimes and whitebat in a flurry of blows. They all die in one hit. Damn straight I’ve destroyed the jelly. Try to enjoy your sandwiches now without them sticking to the roof of your mouth.

I head due south, picking up another hand axe, a brown ring and a slab of meat.

Brown ring. I don’t think I want to know. I equip it anyway. The armor has been strengthened. Thanks, brown ring.

I continue to slaughter my way through the dungeon. The Magician, though his moves are slick, is no match for my red scroll, brown ring, and hand axe. He goes down smooth and I find another leather helmet and a leather shield in the next room.

I wander into a large hall where the monsters don’t know how to approach one another and seem to be avoiding a large bag of gold in the middle of the room. It’s awkward but a newfound gray ring makes me feel better. I decide to end their wretched lives.

Headed due north I slay yet another Magician pick up a long sword along with a brown cane.

I use the brown cane.

The monsters forget all their magic.

There are no monsters.

The gods are fucking with my head.

Climbing the Stairway: Channeling Aragorn

Much less apprehensive now, I continue my slaughter with the swagger of a college kid before running into a half-finished hallway that doesn’t connect to the next room.

I want to speak with the contractor.

The spoils are many and mysterious. The enigmatic purple scroll waits patiently for me to unleash its power. I climb the stairs, inching ever-forward towards my destiny.

Floor 03: The Price of Gluttony

Business as usual until I run into a liarworm that seems to have lost the will to fight. Tag was not designed for four tiles and two people. There is only one winner.

I feast on one more slab of meat and find myself in a world of red. Indigestion is truly the greatest enemy.

On the fourth floor A SECRET DOOR! reveals itself to me. I still don’t know what the secret is. I manage to escape an untimely death at the hands of a dick Magician. Still I soldier on. In circles because my health is low.

I am now a Leader.

Floor 06: Who the Hell Drinks at an Ice Bar? or HOW THE FUCK DID A SNAIL DAMAGE ME FOR TWELVE POINTS?!

A miniature deathstar greets me on the sixth floor, I assume it’s so tiny due to budgeting restrictions. A snail and floating crystal bring me to my knees and I can hear the voices of my fallen brethren calling me home.

My suffering will not go in vain. I kill them and lick the icy slime from my blade. Take that.

A deathstar kills me in the next room. Fuck you deathstar. At least there are three people at my funeral this time.

I respawn on the fifth floor in a room with three Ice Bars. I die frozen and alone.

I respawn and die again. Fuck this game.

Respawn. Ninjas and death stars and snails. I don’t know why I keep playing.

I drink a gray potion and am now surrounded by darkness. Like I wasn’t before. I spend a good while searching for a secret door and make my way back up to the sixth floor. The gods bless me in their peculiar way with a chain helmet. I look fly as fuck. A ninja kills me.

Find someone else to kill your fucking dragon.

The best thing I can say is I didn’t have to pay the 50 or 60 bucks this dreck cost when it was new. Not that I could’ve afforded it anyway.

0/7