The milk analogs are old friends: The mornings of my salad days spent with Rice Dreams or Silk Soybean Squeezings topping my shredded wheat bricks and a side of lemon yogurt with a dash of psyllium seed for extra-healthy horror. Dad was on a health food binge and we suffered the lack of severe vitamin deficiencies.

PROTIP: Forego the yogurt and consume the psyllium seed straight with no chaser: You’ll be transformed instantly into the dust-spewing life of the party.

I know from experience that milk substitutes, at least in their unsweetened forms, tend towards the inoffensive – not EXACTLY like good old moo-juice, but bland enough to pass with a bonus lowered risk of allergic reaction, vegan insult, or dry cereal*. So what of the sweetened alternatives?

*Some risk of growing a beautiful bosom with anything soy-related**.

**This is not intended to be a factual statement.

If the literature on the carton is any indication, the dark chocolate variety has added benefit in delivering significantly more calcium (45% DV) and vitamins C & E (35% DV each) than my regular brand of chocolate milk along with somewhat significant amounts of other minerals. Though I’m more concerned with staving off the irony of getting scurvy on dry land, some might find appeal in the brand’s reduced calorie count per serving (even when compared to reduced fat milk) and marginally lower fat and sugar content. Those who use milk as a main source of potassium might want to look elsewhere, as Silk doesn’t offer nearly enough (122mg per serving out of a 2,000mg daily recommended intake).

But how does it taste? I found myself from time to time leering at the “dark” portion of the product in particular, my sullen mood tinged with bitter amusement as a thin film of sweat formed on its bleached, cardboard brow-

“Why are you looking at me that way?”

“You… you said you were DARK chocolate when we met. YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A SWEET, MILK CHOCOLATEY HUSSY!”

Divorce papers were served the following morning. I’m taking the Elvis Presley commemorative cups, damnit.

The product disappointed in not providing anything beyond a hint, and only in the initial sip, of the characteristic bittersweetness of dark chocolate, though the antioxidant content lends credibility to the idea that the company actually uses dark chocolate in the manufacturing process. Overall its sweetness is on par with regular chocolate milk with a mellow, pleasant aftertaste. I had the urge to brush my teeth about ten minutes after drinking but that seems to come with the territory of drinking anything with sufficient sugar.

Silk delivers a decent, healthy (well, as healthy as anything containing sweetened chocolate can be) product at an affordable price (~$2.50-$3.00 per half gallon). I would look elsewhere if you enjoy dark chocolate in its solid form, but if you’re looking to replace your more standard brands of chocolate milk with something lacking lactose this is probably for you.