As I’m sure you all already know, I’m a bit of a Don Draper in my free time. Besides all of the random encounters with secretaries, the two pack a day ritual, and the suave alcoholism, I like to think about advertising for a second or two. Now if I was to pitch my idea for this amazing new product, I’d do a new spin on a retro commercial. Even people who weren’t alive when it aired (such as myself) know the infamous Reese’s commercial “You got Peanut Butter in my Chocolate! You got Chocolate in my Peanut Butter!” With these cookies it couldn’t be more simple. “You got Reeses’ cups in my Chips Ahoy! You got Chips Ahoy in my Reeses cups!” We all know the situation seems like a problem, but it couldn’t be more of a win-win. They’re two great products from brands that are universally known, and as soon as the consumer hears that the two products have combined, they’re practically already out the door and heading to the market.

And now, I light up a cigarette because I know I’m awesome. Even though smoking is the only thing that could manage to kill you faster than eating a box of these a day, the nicotine is the only thing keeping me from binging on the absolute greatness of this cookie. As if Chips Ahoy didn’t already make a pretty damn fine cookie, the Reese’s cups make it one of the best mass-market sweets I’ve had in a long time. I’m a big fan of managing to blend salty and sweet, and maybe that’s why I’m so fond of this product. For some people it may even be a little too salty, but it’s just the perfect amount to me. It’s more like if they kept the salt on pretzels before dipping them in chocolate, which I really wish was more commonplace.

Yeah, all of the extra salt might actually kill me before smoking and binge eating sweets but it’s worth it for the extra dimension of flavor that the salt almost miraculously adds. It might actually be a miracle but only if the circumstances entail me wearing Juggalo face paint and drinking delicious, delicious Faygo. Overall the entire reason I won’t give these the coveted 7 is due solely to the fact that I can’t get these in chewy also. Yes, it’s a little bit ridiculous, but Chips Ahoy has gotten popular for one reason, and one reason only and that’s because they make cookies. On top of which it seems like they’re the only ones out there who lets you choose crunchy or chewy instead of skipping from brand to brand. It’s a shame considering they could’ve solved all of this by just hiring Don Draper, he always knows how to save the day.