**Warning: If you haven’t read the book, and you don’t want to be spoiled, 4/7, go away. Also, Voldemort kills Snape. You’ve had two and a half years to figure that out.**

Okay, hi. I seem to be the resident Twilight “fan” of the site, so I guess I have to do this. I know, it’s a few weeks late, but I didn’t want to see it with all the fangirls, complete with the piercing scream of estrogen trying to escape when Taylor Lautner takes his shirt off. So I apologize. That said, I’m not going to really put forth effort into this review, because I doubt anything I have to say will change your mind about this movie. Either you love it, you hate it, or you’re dragged to it by your girlfriend and don’t really care. So…sorry.

Film starts out in a dream sequence, what Kristen Stewart looks like 70-something years into the future. It’s then revealed it’s her 18th birthday! She’s now a year older than her 107-year-old vampire boyfriend, who I will refer to as “SPARKLY!” (to be read out loud in a high-pitched squealing voice) for the rest of this review. Skip forward a bit. Birthday party at the Cullen residence. Bella gets a paper cut, Jasper goes insane and wants to om nom nom, SPARKLY! beats him up and breaks up with Bella so that danger no longer comes over her as a result of the Cullens being vampires, all the while leaving her alone in the woods. Not a very smart move to get her out of danger, but whatever. Months pass, and Bella wants to see SPARKLY! again, and finds out that she sees him so long as she’s serving herself up a dish of thrill-seeking. So she picks up bike-riding, which leads her to “Guy #2″, Jacob Black, who I’ll refer to as Sharkboy for the rest of this review.

So Bella starts going out with Sharkboy, and the thrills are had. She manages to wreck a newly fixed motorcycle, and in order to stop her head bleeding, Sharkboy proceeds to take his shirt off (cue estrogen fireworks) to use as a makeshift band-aid. Oh, they also see a gang of shirtless thugs with questionable hairdos diving off of cliffs. Turns out these guys are werewolves, the old enemies of vampires. Uh-oh! Sharkboy, this innocent boy from the first book, is now known to be a Werewolf! (Wait, what?) Anyway, turns out the wolves find out about Victoria (the she-vampire from the first book, with the hippie and the black guy) and decide to go kill her. It’s also heavily implied (via flashback) that the wolves killed said black guy, Laurent, already. This dedication to seeking out Victoria, however, has caused Jacob to want to break up with Bella, for her safety. So they break up. Man, two break-ups in one book. No wonder she does what she’s about to do: jump off a cliff.

She jumps off said cliff, Victoria sees her, approaches her with deadly waves and all, and is saved by the wolves. Guess the acting as Sharkboy paid off. -instantrimshot- Meanwhile, Alice sees the fall, and predicts that Bella commited suicide. SPARKLY! goes insane and goes to Italy to consult the Volturi, a head clan of vampires that Carlisle has had a good deal to do with in the past. He requests that he is killed by the Volturi, for he is unable to live without his precious Bella. They say no. SPARKLY! then proceeds to cry and go outside to take his shirt off in the sunlight, to sparkle in front of everybody, in order to raise a scene and force his death by revealing the existence of vampires to the humans. Before he is able to do this, Bella manages to get there just in time alongside Alice, and tackle hug him back into the building, outside of the sun. I guess this part could raise some possible estrogen fireworks, too, all things considered. The Volturi find out that their powers aren’t able to work on Bella, just as SPARKLY!’s isn’t able to from the first book/movie. They spare both, and the Cullens go back to Forks, where they decide to turn Bella into a vampire, on a date to be determined. However, butthurt, Sharkboy decides to remind SPARKLY! that their treaty involves a vampire never biting a human. Why the hell does that exist? Anyway, it does. Cue movie credits.

I just saved you a couple bucks from watching this movie. It’s a decent movie, much better than the first. However, it’s…well, it’s Twilight. This review was to vent my anger towards fangirls, and to provide laughs for the masses. Better acting, better directing, better effects, everything. A good date movie (my girlfriend took me to see it, go figure). All that said, it’s still a niche movie. Love it or hate it…even if I tried on it, this review wouldn’t change a thing.