And so it came to pass that another 18 Americans would be chosen to travel half-way across the world to compete with each other to win a million bucks, by fighting, backstabbing, and surviving the African wilderness. Survivor has returned for yet another season, not that I’m complaining, and god has it not looked better. HD visuals was something this show should have boasted out years ago, and now I get to see Islands, Animals and blurred out Boobies every week in HD.

It felt kind of strange to witness the new survivors meet up with Jeff by means of walking, instead of rowing out in a canoe or something. You’d also think that when going on a show like Survivor, one might think not to wear something like a suit and tie EVER EVER EVER. And yet, that’s how it was when the 18 new castaways met up with Emmy-award winning Jeff Probst, and at least four of them in a suit. Everyone stepped forward to introduce themselves, and then it came time to pick out the tribes, and god did they end up one sided. The two elders were picked to be the leaders. The old man, and potential best survivor ever, Bob, went ahead and picked a strapping young buck. The old lady, who’s so filled with stupid I can’t be bothered to remember her name went ahead and picked the other old, useless lady, who went ahead and picked the OTHER OLD LADY. And that set the tone for the next two hours.

Over the two hours the season opened with, we saw Bob’s tribe, now called Koda, win three challenges in a row, formulate a strong bond and formed interesting and awesome alliances (The Onion. What a great idea.). We saw old men climb into roof like young children, and we saw a gay guy become a straight guys’ closest ally all the while tiring to get in his pants. This is the kind of tribe that anyone who will be on Survivor should dream of, cause for odds of them losing anytime soon doesn’t look too high.

The other tribe, Fang, went ahead and lost three challenges in a row, because the moron juices seemed to be flowing through almost all of their heads. The old bag I can’t be bothered to remember the name of stood around the whole time tiring to hide the fact that she shouldn’t even be there in the first place by loudly and annoyingly cheer everyone on when winning a challenge was clearly impossible, even if Koda was to drop dead magically, and going on about Elephant Dung. Then you got GC, who was given leader status at a tribal counsel (In which they decided to vote out one of their STRONGEST members because she had a bad attitude. Repeat after me, Fang Tribe. Attitude will not win you challenges.), and then gave it up a day later because he realized he was leading a bunch of fishes on dry land with their heads cut off. It pleased me to know at least that the old bag was voted off second, but the fact that she was even let onto the show is something I will never, EVER understand.

And then there’s when Dan was sent to Exile Island, and was going to use his sharp and cunning Lawyer Skills to find a hidden immunity idol, which is hidden in a gigantic Sandy Pit on the far side of the area. For all I know, Dan could have taken a walk out and trip over the idol, but instead he digs in the LAKE, when the clues says it’s ACROSS FROM THE LAKE. Dan, if those lawyer skills have actually gotten someone acquitted, then I can only assume that every other Lawyer in the world is an Ape.

The thing that annoyed me about this opening was that a lot of the attention was placed around Tribe Train Wreck, and didn’t give enough time to the tribe that was actually fun to watch. The challenges were nice and interesting, and watching Fang fall apart in Tribal Counsel after Jeff asked a simple question was one of the most hilarious moments ever. This looks like it could be a strong season, and it could be another Paulu, where Fang will be completely tarnished in every season, but paying too much attention to the Train Wreck and not enough time to the people that seemed more interesting to watch (Mostly cause Koda has two hot blondes in their company). I’m looking forward to the coming twists this season has to offer, but let’s see a little more of the winners next time.

Oh, and Professional Gamers count just as much as a homeless bum in the grand scheme of things. How soon can we get Ken out of there, and into a real job?