I can’t believe that guy makes music. Anyway, Shwayze came out today, and it’s pretty much everything you would expect from a guy who hangs out with Paris Hilton, Mischa Barton, and other useless Hollywoodians.

Shwayze is a duo consisting of Cisco Adler and Shwayze himself. Their music sounds like a dumbed-down Jack Johnson ventured into hip-hop, and gave up all his money to live on a beach and harass girls walking by. The beats are typically lazy, uninspired, and consist of like… three acoustic guitar chords played behind a mind-numbingly normal hip-hop beat. It’s mostly all mellow stuff, the kind of music you’d undoubtedly hear at a beach party in New Jersey. Cisco Adler tends to sing the choruses, while Shwayze lays down the rhymes in the verses. The choruses in these songs (again, almost all sung by Cisco Adler) are indescribably and unbelievably consistent: lyrically, musically, and idealistically STUPID. They sound terrible, the lyrics are terrible, and the music is seemingly completely devoid of thought. Not only that, but half the time Shwayze comes with lame ass rhymes that sound juvenile and don’t flow well. Most of the songs sound the same, too.

For a good example of the pace, style, and feel of the album, just listen to the song “Corona and Lime.” The rhymes are awful: “Girls in the hills go day-trippin, to get their nails done, and hair straightened,” “Girls from Detroit like electro, and dance all night ’til they break their neck, yo.” Then there’s the chorus: “Baby will you be my Corona and Lime, and I will be your main squeeze. And if your brother don’t like my stye, we can take it to the street, we can take it to the street.” Let’s look at that a little closer. First of all, how classy do you have to be to ask a girl if she’ll be your Corona and Lime? Second, I can’t think of a better way to get a girl to like you than fighting her brother in the street cause he doesn’t like your style. The only thing I had to look forward to on this album was the song featuring Dave Navarro, who I’ve never been much of a fan of in the first place, so that’s not saying much. The song with him in it is totally disappointing, not only cause it’s Shwayze, but Navarro’s guitar is cliché rap guitar, and the choruses are too loud and distorted and obnoxious.

In short, Shwayze is another pathetic, MTV-manufactured artist, most likely around only to make money, especially when you consider the fact that Shwayze and Cisco are getting their own reality show on MTV about making this album. I’m considering taking a bat to my TV just to avoid it. Shwayze isn’t particularly good at rapping, and Adler should definitely stick to being a testicle model. The music is misogynistic and trashy, which means the females will probably take a particular liking to Shwayze, and you’ll probably see the clubs becoming more populated with stoned bros and surfer guys once this becomes more widespread. Sounds like a bright future, indeed.